Humor Pages
shorties
A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."
A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .
A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre... so the barman gave her one!
So two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to him: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"
A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty I could like the sweat off a cow's balls."
A guy in the corner says "Moooo!"
A baby seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says "two pints please, one for me and one for the road."
Some Bacon and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender stops them and says "sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here."
A guy walks into a bar on the moon and says to the bartender "Hey, there's no atmosphere in here!"
On a fine Saturday afternoon, a man is sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbour lady, outraged at this, comes over and shouts at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replies, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
Two men walked into a bar.
You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."