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A Beer Bill of Rights

  1. Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.

  2. A well-stocked bar being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to brew and consume beer shall not be infringed.

  3. No beer shall, in time of heat be quartered in any house without refrigeration, nor in time of cold, except in a manner prescribed by law.

  4. The right of the people to be secure in their beer, bottles, glasses, and brewing effects, against unreasonable searches and seziures, shall not be violated, and no last calls shall be issued, but upon the proper time, supported by the clock, and particularly offering the bar patrons the opportunity to purchase and consume one more beer before closing.

  5. No person shall be held to consume a second-rate, or otherwise infamous beer, unless on presentment or indictment of a large bar bill, except in cases arising in block parties or backyard barbecues, or at a fraternity house, when in actual celebration in time of holidays or sporting events; nor shall any person subject for the same bar bill to be twice put in jeopardy of cash or credit; nor shall be compelled in any drinking establishment to purchase beer for anyone other than himself; nor be deprived of beer without due process of law; nor shall private stocks of beer be taken for public consumption without just compensation.

  6. In all drinking establishments, the patron shall enjoy the right to speedy and courteous service, by a qualified bartender of the establishment wherein the beer shall have been ordered, which establishment shall have been previously licensed by law, and to be informed of the nature and price of the beer; to be presented with the bar tab against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining the beer which was ordered, and to have the assistance of the bartender for service.

  7. In bills at drinking establishments, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of service shall be preserved, and no tab presented by a bartender shall be otherwise re-examined in any drinking establishment in the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

  8. Excessive drinking shall not be required, nor excessive prices imposed, nor cruel and unusual beers inflicted.

  9. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain beers, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others consumed by the people.

  10. The beers not supplied to the bars by mass marketing, nor brewed in microbreweries, are reserved to the brewpubs respectively, or to the people.